732 words • 2~4 min read

The Great Vaccine Conspiracy*

There is a war being played out in the media. A war being fought over the hearts, minds, and bodies of the people. A quiet, insidious war, fought not with guns or bombs, yet racking up a death toll none-the-less. It is a war organized by a shadowy sect of humanity, so cunning and secretive, that even the players, standing at the front lines, have no idea that they are puppets. It is the war over vaccines, and humanity is losing.

It began with Edward Jenner and Louis Pasteur and other fathers of modern preventative medicine. It was the vaccine, the single most powerful development in the history of medicine, a shining triumph of humanity over disease. In a matter of decades, diseases like measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough were in decline. Smallpox was wiped from the face of the earth. Polio was stranded in countries that lacked effective vaccination programs. Fewer children were dying.

But there was a problem. You see, vaccines aren’t good business. Vaccine sales account for barely 2% of pharmaceutical sales. Vaccines, which costs pennies to produce and yield minuscule profit, are simply bad for Big Pharma™. Hardest hit were the manufacturers of the Iron Lung and other life support systems made obsolete by vaccines. It’s much more profitable to treat diseases than prevent them.

But what is Big Pharma™ to do? You can’t simply stop the single greatest health achievement in the history of humankind. How do you get millions of people to voluntarily give up the most effective piece of disease prevention in our health care arsenal?

Manufactured fear.

As vaccination cut into the profit margins on the GloboIndustriPharmaceutical Complex™, Big Pharma™ devised a strategy. They would plant the seeds of doubt into the public consciousness by linking vaccines with diseases like Multiple Sclerosis and Autism. It didn’t take much, a few well-payed researchers, firmly in the pockets of Big Pharma™, some B-list celebrities with an ax to grind, and hordes of ready believers, united by fear and the internet. The strategy didn’t need to be terribly efficient either. It only required a few million parents to deny vaccinations for their children to lower herd immunity and bring back once vanquished diseases.

And it worked. Vaccine panic has spread throughout much of the world. Measles and whooping cough are on the rise. Children are dying. And all so Big MilitarioTheoCorporatePharma™ can cash in on the big bucks from treatment, not prevention.

So, in this Season of Reason, do yourself and humanity a mitzvah and get yourself and your family vaccinated. If you have concerns, talk to your physician, but don’t listen to crazy internet conspiracy* theories. And don’t let the GloboTheocroMilitIndustrioCorporaPharmocracy™ win.

~Southern Fried Scientist

*As with the current anti-vaccination movement, this conspiracy has been fabricated whole-cloth and exists only in the slightly twisted mind of the author.

Marine science and conservation. Deep-sea ecology. Population genetics. Underwater robots. Open-source instrumentation. The deep sea is Earth's last great wilderness.

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