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Why that ‘genius’ 6-year-old’s solution to Rubbish Delays will make things worse

On January 1, 2016, the Southern Fried Science central server began uploading blog posts apparently circa 2041. Due to a related corruption of the contemporary database, we are, at this time, unable to remove these Field Notes from the Future or prevent the uploading of additional posts. Please enjoy this glimpse into the ocean future while we attempt to rectify the situation.


We’ve all been there.  You’ve spent an extortionate amount of your travel budget on an atmojet so that you can reach NYC from London in 3 hours, but your launch ends up being delayed an additional 3 hours by an endless airbourne rubbish vortex (ARV).  Research has shown that much of the particles that make up an ARV are pieces of garbage bags that date to the early 2000’s, when effective grocery bag bans ignored the elephant-in-the-room large black garbage bags that continued to be used.  Additionally, the disastrous Rubbish Catchments instalments along highways that were designed to reduce blowing rubbish have unintentionally encouraged people to be even more careless with their litter.  It seems that these dreaded Rubbish Delays at airports aren’t going away anytime soon, and may become even worse.

Enter The Complete Air Cleanup, an engineering project created by the latest kid ‘genius’.  This large plastic net design is an interpretation of the latest viral DreamOracle image, created by the subconscious doodlings of 6-year-old Cassis Wigan.  These 3D rainbow-coloured scribbles created by recording brain electron movement during REM sleep are probably the most obnoxious soothsaying mediums for tech-parents used to confirm that they, indeed, have birthed the next Nikola Tesla.  Neurobiologists have consistently denounced these images as just as effective for predicting intelligence as the pattern your child creates during an explosive bowel movement, but nonetheless this hasn’t stopped parents from interpreting their child’s entire DreamOracle Diary to unsuspecting vitacoffee break victims, worldwide.

Unsurprisingly, Cassis Wigan’s DreamOracle doodle (pictured below) is just as pointless as all the rest, but what is extraordinary is the large body of whactivitists backing The Complete Air Cleanup.  The latest totals has the crowd-funding campaign pushing 4.7 million, with two regional airport hubs considering installation permits.

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This project goes against the advice of nearly every legitimate solution engineer on the planet.  This latest post by SolutionNews has detailed, and completely obvious, warnings about putting large, lightweight, plastic nets right next to jet engines.  This would only add the volume of air chemical particles and exacerbate the problem with ARVs when nets degrade in the high power-solar environment.  Indeed, one wing of The CAC’s 8-wing design would require nearly 3 kilometers2 of plastic high-friction netting, a material that must be created by fresh (not recycled) plastic.  Least we also consider what would happen if an atmojet were to come into contact with even a centimetre of the high-friction netting!  We would have to replace the term Rubbish Delays with widespread CAC Airport Shutdowns.  Additionally, the CAC design is installed at ground level, at least 10m below where the majority of ARV particles occur.   Unfortunately, the engineers at SolutionNews are not as cute as Cassis and none of their designs contain the signature rainbow colours of a DreamOracle, therefore, they must be made-up of meritless conscious thought.

Will it work?  No.  Will it add to the problem it is trying to solve?  Yes.

Is this a new story?  Unfortunately, not.


On January 1, 2016, the Southern Fried Science central server began uploading blog posts apparently circa 2041. Due to a related corruption of the contemporary database, we are, at this time, unable to remove these Field Notes from the Future or prevent the uploading of additional posts. Please enjoy this glimpse into the ocean future while we attempt to rectify the situation.