Skip to content

Southern Fried Science

Over 15 years of ocean science and conservation online

  • Home
  • About SFS
  • Authors
  • Support SFS

How to protect yourself from Zombie Dolphins without violating the Marine Mammal Protection Act

Posted on April 1, 2014March 31, 2014 By Andrew Thaler 3 Comments on How to protect yourself from Zombie Dolphins without violating the Marine Mammal Protection Act
Science

They rise from the deep with gnashing teeth and hissing blowholes. They stagger through the shallows, hunting for human flesh, piercing the air with their high pitched moan. They are dead but not dead. They are Zombie Dolphins.

And you can’t fight them, because they are protected.

The Marine Mammal Protection Act is an impressive piece of legislation that protect whales, dolphins, seals, sea lions, sea otters, walruses, manatees, and polar bears within the United States. It expressly forbids the harassment, hunting, capturing, killing or collecting, or attempted harassment, hunting, capturing, killing or collecting. Violating the act will get you tagged with huge fines and may even get you jail time. What many people don’t realize is that the MMPA not only protects living marine mammals, but also dead ones; which raises the important question: How can we protect ourselves from Zombie Dolphins without violating the Marine Mammal Protection Act?

You can’t. The MMPA forbids the “taking” of marine mammals. You cannot approach a zombie dolphin, nor can you obstruct its path. You cannot strike a zombie dolphin or do anything that may interfere with its behavior. You cannot remove the flippers or flukes of a zombie dolphin. You cannot chase a zombie dolphin. You cannot even scream in terror as one approaches, as that may cause the decaying cetacean undue stress.

You could hide on land, but there’s no way of knowing whether a desperate zombie dolphin will attempt to claw its way across the sand, and then where would you be? Perhaps you will risk the wrath of the National Marine Fisheries Service and violate the MMPA, but there’s no guarantee that zombie dolphins won’t creep into your prison cell. And the Act exists for a reason, to protect these gentle creatures who just happen to be infected with a horrible, zombifying virus.

No, there’s only one way to protect yourself and your loved ones. You’ll have to apply for a Level A Harassment permit. And to do that, you need to familiarize yourself with the Marine Mammal Protection Act. Don’t wait until it’s too late and the hordes of Tursiops desiccatus are knocking at your door.

Don’t wait for the zombie uprising. If you interact with marine mammals in either a commercial or recreational capacity, you need to know what the MMPA allows.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Bluesky (Opens in new window) Bluesky
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Facebook
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window) Reddit
  • Click to share on Threads (Opens in new window) Threads
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) WhatsApp
  • Click to share on Mastodon (Opens in new window) Mastodon

Related

Tags: MMPA zombies

Post navigation

❮ Previous Post: Explainer: An end to Japan’s “scientific whaling” program in Antarctica
Next Post: Deep sea sharks: Do they survive? ❯

You may also like

Uncategorized
Reducing seabird bycatch, rescuing vaquita, and cod comebacks: Thursday Afternoon Dredging: October 26, 2017
October 26, 2017
Popular Culture
Blood and Brains – can vampires survive a zombie apocalypse?
October 30, 2009

3 thoughts on “How to protect yourself from Zombie Dolphins without violating the Marine Mammal Protection Act”

  1. Jonathan Badger says:
    April 2, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    In all seriousness, why does the act cover dead as well as alive mammals?

  2. Andrew David Thaler says:
    April 3, 2014 at 11:07 am

    It’s to prevent people from messing with stranded animals, taking parts off carcasses, or doing stupid things like standing on a dead whale. Also, if it weren’t illegal, “it was dead when I got there” could be used as an excuse by someone raiding a stranded sperm whale for teeth. And yes, every time a sperm whale strands near people, someone inevitably shows up and tries to get the teeth.

  3. Theresa says:
    April 18, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    For the same reasons as possessing game animals’ parts, because people would be able to say “I didn’t kill it, I just took it’s head when I found it dead”. It was much easier to outlaw possessing any parts or the whole bodies. You CAN own “vintage” items, like whalebone corsets or carved scrimshaw sperm whale teeth, as long as they are from a certain amount of year’s ago(I forget exactly when, maybe 1950? 1900?).

Comments are closed.

Recent Popular Posts

What Ocean Ramsey does is not shark science or conservation: some brief thoughts on "the Shark Whisperer" documentaryWhat Ocean Ramsey does is not shark science or conservation: some brief thoughts on "the Shark Whisperer" documentaryJuly 2, 2025David Shiffman
Marine Biology Career AdviceMarine Biology Career AdviceMay 30, 2025David Shiffman
Donald Trump and Sharks: An Annotated TimelineDonald Trump and Sharks: An Annotated TimelineJune 27, 2024David Shiffman
Considering writing a popular science book? Here's my adviceConsidering writing a popular science book? Here's my adviceJuly 7, 2025David Shiffman
Please don't ride sharks, and other great tips from the new  guide to responsible shark divingPlease don't ride sharks, and other great tips from the new guide to responsible shark divingMarch 12, 2017David Shiffman
AuthorsOctober 27, 2013Administrator
What can the funniest shark memes on the internetz teach us about ocean science and conservation?What can the funniest shark memes on the internetz teach us about ocean science and conservation?November 8, 2013David Shiffman
About Southern Fried ScienceOctober 27, 2013Administrator
Shark of Darkness: Wrath of Submarine is a fake documentaryShark of Darkness: Wrath of Submarine is a fake documentaryAugust 10, 2014Michelle Jewell
What is a Sand Shark?What is a Sand Shark?November 12, 2017Chuck Bangley
Subscribe to our RSS Feed for updates whenever new articles are published.

We recommend Feedly for RSS management. It's like Google Reader, except it still exists.

Southern Fried Science

  • Home
  • About SFS
  • Authors
  • Support SFS


If you enjoy Southern Fried Science, consider contributing to our Patreon campaign.

Copyright © 2025 Southern Fried Science.

Theme: Oceanly Premium by ScriptsTown