The Great Vaccine Conspiracy*

There is a war being played out in the media. A war being fought over the hearts, minds, and bodies of the people. A quiet, insidious war, fought not with guns or bombs, yet racking up a death toll none-the-less. It is a war organized by a shadowy sect of humanity, so cunning and secretive, that even the players, standing at the front lines, have no idea that they are puppets. It is the war over vaccines, and humanity is losing.

It began with Edward Jenner and Louis Pasteur and other fathers of modern preventative medicine. It was the vaccine, the single most powerful development in the history of medicine, a shining triumph of humanity over disease. In a matter of decades, diseases like measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough were in decline. Smallpox was wiped from the face of the earth. Polio was stranded in countries that lacked effective vaccination programs. Fewer children were dying.

But there was a problem. You see, vaccines aren’t good business. Vaccine sales account for barely 2% of pharmaceutical sales. Vaccines, which costs pennies to produce and yield minuscule profit, are simply bad for Big Pharma™. Hardest hit were the manufacturers of the Iron Lung and other life support systems made obsolete by vaccines. It’s much more profitable to treat diseases than prevent them.

But what is Big Pharma™ to do? You can’t simply stop the single greatest health achievement in the history of humankind. How do you get millions of people to voluntarily give up the most effective piece of disease prevention in our health care arsenal?

Manufactured fear.

As vaccination cut into the profit margins on the GloboIndustriPharmaceutical Complex™, Big Pharma™ devised a strategy. They would plant the seeds of doubt into the public consciousness by linking vaccines with diseases like Multiple Sclerosis and Autism. It didn’t take much, a few well-payed researchers, firmly in the pockets of Big Pharma™, some B-list celebrities with an ax to grind, and hordes of ready believers, united by fear and the internet. The strategy didn’t need to be terribly efficient either. It only required a few million parents to deny vaccinations for their children to lower herd immunity and bring back once vanquished diseases.

And it worked. Vaccine panic has spread throughout much of the world. Measles and whooping cough are on the rise. Children are dying. And all so Big MilitarioTheoCorporatePharma™ can cash in on the big bucks from treatment, not prevention.

So, in this Season of Reason, do yourself and humanity a mitzvah and get yourself and your family vaccinated. If you have concerns, talk to your physician, but don’t listen to crazy internet conspiracy* theories. And don’t let the GloboTheocroMilitIndustrioCorporaPharmocracy™ win.

~Southern Fried Scientist

*As with the current anti-vaccination movement, this conspiracy has been fabricated whole-cloth and exists only in the slightly twisted mind of the author.


  1. AnonyTranslator · November 29, 2010

    Well, having done a few translations for Big Pharma (the translation agency didn’t tell me until I’d already agreed to the projects… I don’t work for them any more), and having been given a communication training course by a man who also elaborated “communication” (*cough* manipulation) strategies for “medical visitors” (pharma salesmen, who are illegal in Europe, thus the invented term “medical visitors”), I can tell you that it’s not so far-fetched.

    Big Pharma also do the opposite, see – they create “lifestyle vaccines” for things like allergies and such. Then they hire “medical visitors” to “encourage” doctors to “instruct” their patients on their “need” for… the lifestyle vaccines. Sorry for all the scare quotes, by the way, it’s just that I can’t condone Pharma practices by using their terminology without those quotes. How do the pharma salesmen (so-called medical visitors) manage to circumvent (break) European law like that? Here’s their communication strategy when they walk into a doctor’s office: they compliment something. Anything. And then they observe the doctor’s reaction. An open response; the salesman goes straight to a sell. A neutral response; the salesman takes a more roundabout approach. The doctor asks them what the hell they’re doing in their office; the salesman… asks them to set a time and date for a meeting! And in 2% of cases, it works – they get their meeting!! Keep in mind, this is in Europe, where these salesmen are ILLEGAL. Just imagine how much they can push in the US.

  2. AnonyTranslator · November 29, 2010

    (I should make the difference between lifestyle and required vaccines more clear, because they should not be confused: required vaccines are required for good reason. Pharma purposefully use the word “vaccine” to denote the “lifestyle vaccines”, which are NOT required, in order to create confusion and incite people to take the lifestyle vaccine recommendations more seriously. This was part of the comm stuff I translated. The price tags of lifestyle vaccines are also much higher, since, of course, they’re not required. So if you’re ever suggested a so-called “vaccine” that’s optional and won’t prevent anything life-threatening, it’s a lifestyle vaccine. Again: required vaccines are required, and prevent life-threatening things, they’re not “optional just in case”.)

  3. Alan Dove · November 29, 2010

    Good satire – Jenny McCarthy as a tool of Big Pharma. You should mention that this anti-vaccine conspiracy was one of the major reasons the Mafia conspired with the Freemasons to assassinate JFK.

    • Southern Fried Scientist · November 29, 2010

      Also, the Build-a-bear Group is behind everything.

    • Chuck · November 29, 2010

      The Freemasons are way too busy hanging out and drinking cheap beer to be behind any decent conspiracies. Clearly this is the work of the Elks Club.

  4. Joe · November 29, 2010

    Should I get my flu vaccine?

    Let’s see, 2 years ago I got a flu shot and scientists guessed wrong on the strain. The shot didn’t work, and I got the flu anyway.

    Last year, I wanted to get a flu shot. All of the experts were telling me how important it was and what a disaster we might befall us if we didn’t. The only problem was, there was no vaccine available to me until the vast majority of flu cases had already passed through my little part of the world. That terrible disaster? Didn’t happen, although me and almost all of my neighbors didn’t get the vaccine.


    Sure, you and I understand the difference between a vaccine for a virus that is ever changing and a vaccine for something like measles. We also understand the challenges of producing a vaccine quickly and on a very large scale when a new flu strain appears.

    The average person doesn’t. Given the recent track record, should we really be surprised that people are skeptical?

  5. Chuck · November 29, 2010

    I brought this up hypothetically with a group of friends talking about how cancer probably makes Big Pharma more money from treatment than actually curing it. We were all disturbed by how realistic it sounded.

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