300 words • 1~2 min read

Global Draining

Friends, colleagues, I stand before you today with the worst possible news. Earlier today, as I sat watching the sea, I noticed a disturbing trend. While scientists and environmentalists may claim the sea level is rising, I watched with my own eyes as the sea retreated.

The data are irrefutable, we have entered into a downward spiral of Global Draining.

Data from February 17, 2010

There can be no doubt, the sea level is falling. At this rate the entire ocean will be completely empty by 2026. That’s just 16 years. In that time the size of the ocean will shrink, there will be a mass migration of beach-combers further offshore. Coastal property will have to be rezoned as inshore. Once global draining reaches the continental shelf, a huge cliff will emerge from the sea. Soon we will be able to go mountain climbing in Challenger Deep.

We must find the hole and put a cork in it before it’s too late!

~Southern Fried Scientist


Deep-sea biologist, population/conservation geneticist, backyard farm advocate. The deep sea is Earth's last great wilderness.


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