The Growing Consensus of Global Draining

Since my initial post of the new phenomenon of Global Draining, there has been an outpouring of support and a trickle of criticism (mostly stemming from hydrologists in the pockets of Big Flood Insurance). Dr. M of Deep Sea News kicked it of with an advanced mathematical model of the effects of Global Draining. Micheal Bok from the blog, Arthropoda, chimed in with his personal observation of Global Draining. Jeff Ives has been tweeting his thoughts on the big drain over the last month @thejives.

But my detractors have raised valid criticisms. Primarily that my original study covered too short a time frame and was biased to only a small period of the tidal cycle. To remedy these concerns, I have conducted a new study, tracking the draining of the sea over an 8 days period, by measuring the maximum high tide of each day. The results are shocking.

Certainly the rate is much less severe than originally reported but that’s a decline of 1.2 feet over 8 days! Two years from now the ocean will only reach the continental shelf in North Carolina. Coastal cities will be hundreds of miles from the seas. Fisheries will collapse! Beach houses will be abandoned! Sea turtles will be confused! Sandbar sharks won’t have any sandbars!

Global Draining deniers are deluding themselves! Doom!

~Southern Fried Scientist


  1. WhySharksMatter · March 21, 2010

    Sandbar sharks can adapt to not having sandbars. After all, they are nature’s perfect predators. 😉

    (I’m hesitant to use a winky face since I’m not twelve, but it’s 2:00 a.m. and I can’t think of another way to indicate that this comment is meant in jest. I’m open to suggestions).

  2. WhySharksMatter · March 21, 2010

    I hear that if you use a certain statistical trick, you can hide the decline in tidal height.

  3. Bob O'H · March 21, 2010

    I received my PhD from the UEA, so I know all about these tricks. Email me for details – that way no one will ever know what we did.

  4. Jives · March 21, 2010

    Your use of charts disarms and confuses me.

    I can only hope my blind adherence to #globalflooding somehow overcomes your “evidence.”

    • Southern Fried Scientist · March 21, 2010

      Global Flooding is myth perpetrated by the theocra-fascist-communist-socialist Illuminati behind Big Flood Insurance.

      Wake up sheeple!

    • WhySharksMatter · March 21, 2010

      There is no big flood insurance cabal.

  5. Glendon Mellow · March 22, 2010

    It’s NOT!!!!1! caused by a hole in the ocean.

    The GOVERNMENT is stealing the WATER to purify the 20% of FRESH water that exists in SEA WATER. They will sell half of it BACK to the American people at exorbitant prices – you will have **NO*** choice, you will pay it, and they are SAVING THE REST to drink on the way to an extra-solar planet.

    The missing WATER is why NASA is not making shuttles. Plain as DAY.

    • WhySharksMatter · March 22, 2010

      The only way I can reasonably see myself signing on to this conspiracy theory is if aliens are somehow involved. I’m very selective about my conspiracy theories.

    • Southern Fried Scientist · March 22, 2010

      Don’t be ridiculous.

  6. Ben · March 22, 2010

    This is a crock; as a deep sea biologist you’re just in this to cash in on the grants that go to searching for the “hole” at the bottom of the ocean. Besides, if you really believed this was happening, wouldn’t you already own property on the ocean floor?

    Therefore, since you, the public face of this scientific controversy have been shown to potentially have a conflict of interest, and further, have failed some ridiculous litmus test that uninformed me just made up, the whole body of evidence supporting your claim (peer-reviewed though it might be) is thoroughly debunked!

    • Southern Fried Scientist · March 23, 2010

      Just because I uniquely positioned to profit from Global Draining doesn’t mean I have a conflict of interest. Open your eyes and see beyond the lies of Big Flood Insurance.

    • WhySharksMatter · March 23, 2010

      Big Flood Insurance employs thousands of hard-working Americans, who will be put out of work by your so-called “science”. Marxism, I say! Lies! LIES!!!

    • Southern Fried Scientist · March 23, 2010

      Sandbaggers need to compete in the free market just like every one else. What we need is a public option that doesn’t discriminate against houses in the pre-existing flood plain.

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