Global Draining

Friends, colleagues, I stand before you today with the worst possible news. Earlier today, as I sat watching the sea, I noticed a disturbing trend. While scientists and environmentalists may claim the sea level is rising, I watched with my own eyes as the sea retreated.

The data are irrefutable, we have entered into a downward spiral of Global Draining.

Data from February 17, 2010

There can be no doubt, the sea level is falling. At this rate the entire ocean will be completely empty by 2026. That’s just 16 years. In that time the size of the ocean will shrink, there will be a mass migration of beach-combers further offshore. Coastal property will have to be rezoned as inshore. Once global draining reaches the continental shelf, a huge cliff will emerge from the sea. Soon we will be able to go mountain climbing in Challenger Deep.

We must find the hole and put a cork in it before it’s too late!

~Southern Fried Scientist


  1. j edward ladenburger · February 17, 2010

    har de har … of course, you will want to carefully collect and graph your data over the next 6 hours;
    in the meantime — perhaps you could write a grant for a deep sea dive with a robotic cork plunger

  2. WhySharksMatter · February 17, 2010

    You are just making this up so that you can get rich studying it! You know, because scientists are the wealthiest members of society!

  3. Sam · February 17, 2010

    OMG! The hollow earth theorists are right!

    We need to plug this hole to Earth’s inner star-core-thing or our atmosphere might start being sucked in too!!!!!11!!

  4. Jives · February 18, 2010

    Dear God!
    Where will we throw our trash without an ocean?

  5. Karen James · February 21, 2010

    This is actually a great analogy for ‘OMG Snow! Ha ha ha! Where is Al Gore? Ha ha ha!’

  6. John McKay · February 22, 2010

    Don’t be silly. This problem can’t dealt with by plugging one hole. There are many holes. One is in George Wills’ face. Another is in Jim Inhofe’s. Another in Sean Hannity’s. Donald Trump. Sarah Palin. Ann Coulter. Okay, I’m not sure if Ann Coulter has ever said anything about this; I just think we should put a cork in the hole in her face on general principle.

    • Southern Fried Scientist · February 23, 2010

      There’s no evidence for this polycavus hypothesis. Clearly there must only be one hole, otherwise how will the giant rubbed duckie swirl around?

  7. Hailey Hall · October 1, 2010

    Climate change is quite on the rise these days, so be prepaired for more weather disasters’~-

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